Tuesday, March 12, 2013
Friday, October 8, 2010
OK, so it's Friday night and all I have to do is listen to my husband playing Call of Duty and have a drink while I try not to think about how fat I am. My youngest son turns 21 tomorrow. I should feel something about that but I just don't. I love all my kids so much but I just don't get how I am supposed to accept that they are adults.
I am constantly thinking about how fat I am. I can really see the difference now. I know it is becacuse I am not working out. In my head I am working out by doing more at work and at home but I know I am kidding myself. I have to start going back to the gym on a regular basis. OK so I just hate myself today.... Don't judge me. Just let me hate myself...
Monday, May 24, 2010
Feeling good and getting some weight off
Finally after months of feeling sick I am getting back to feeling better and 7 pounds just feel off. I really think I was really bloated. Anyway< I am feeling so... much better!!!
Friday, May 21, 2010
Stared a Wiki!
I have started a wiki for weight loss surgery maintenance. I hope it is successful. I'm going to use it to try to explore and figure out some things I can do to make my life better. I really want this to be successful. I don't want to gain any more weight. I know I can do this!!!!
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
2 years out!
I am now two years out and what a ride it has been. I've lost 115 pounds and regained 25 lbs... bummer...
Today I went to see Dr. F again. It has been a little over a year since I started going to see him and in that time, I have gained 25 lbs. 20 of that since January of this year. That is around 5 lbs a month since January. Some of the things we talked about today were pretty practical.
Buy some smaller plates so that I can fill the plate as full as I want and still not over do it.
Keep up with my food journal.
Make a plan to bring the exercise back into my life.
Keep up with the relaxation and meditations.
Keep myself busy and STOP when I start to beat myself up.
More importantly, we talked about the Common Cognitive Disorders that are plaguing my life. I am going to dedicate this website and blog to the negative thinking that I do and see if I can find some answers for myself about how and why I do this to myself. It is a scary thought that I can allow this to control my life and my actions. I don’t want to live like this forever, so here goes with my honest attempt to make some serious changes in my thinking.
Do I believe that can happen? Honestly, I don’t know. I know that I am a good and decent person. I know I am smart and resourceful. Can I take that knowledge and learn to respect and love myself? How can I begin to let go of always having to be perfect? How can I begin to accept my flaws without that overwhelming since of dread lurking in the background. I can feel it now even as I write. It begins as a sort of dark cloud in the back of my mind and a tightness around my eyes as I start to feel the pressure of saying things I shouldn't say. I feel a dark dread and I begin to feel like this is a total waste of time and that I am being ridiculous for believing that this will be any different from any of the other times I have tried and failed to bring about real change.
Now just look at that. I have made real changes in my life. I was an insecure housewife and I have grown into a successful educator. I am respected and influential in my work. This is the kind of thing that wears me out. Why do I allow the darkness to take over? That is my challenge. It is no wonder that I love the sun soooo... much.
Today I went to see Dr. F again. It has been a little over a year since I started going to see him and in that time, I have gained 25 lbs. 20 of that since January of this year. That is around 5 lbs a month since January. Some of the things we talked about today were pretty practical.
Buy some smaller plates so that I can fill the plate as full as I want and still not over do it.
Keep up with my food journal.
Make a plan to bring the exercise back into my life.
Keep up with the relaxation and meditations.
Keep myself busy and STOP when I start to beat myself up.
More importantly, we talked about the Common Cognitive Disorders that are plaguing my life. I am going to dedicate this website and blog to the negative thinking that I do and see if I can find some answers for myself about how and why I do this to myself. It is a scary thought that I can allow this to control my life and my actions. I don’t want to live like this forever, so here goes with my honest attempt to make some serious changes in my thinking.
Do I believe that can happen? Honestly, I don’t know. I know that I am a good and decent person. I know I am smart and resourceful. Can I take that knowledge and learn to respect and love myself? How can I begin to let go of always having to be perfect? How can I begin to accept my flaws without that overwhelming since of dread lurking in the background. I can feel it now even as I write. It begins as a sort of dark cloud in the back of my mind and a tightness around my eyes as I start to feel the pressure of saying things I shouldn't say. I feel a dark dread and I begin to feel like this is a total waste of time and that I am being ridiculous for believing that this will be any different from any of the other times I have tried and failed to bring about real change.
Now just look at that. I have made real changes in my life. I was an insecure housewife and I have grown into a successful educator. I am respected and influential in my work. This is the kind of thing that wears me out. Why do I allow the darkness to take over? That is my challenge. It is no wonder that I love the sun soooo... much.
Sunday, February 3, 2008
Just got approved
I have been waiting for 6 months to try for approval from my insurance for GBS. I was approved in less than 24 hours after they turned in the paperwork. My surgery is scheduled for April 15. Tax Day!! My husband's first response was "That's so soon!" Well, I have been going through appointments and trying to wait this out since June. I am excited and yet scared. Everyone who knows has an opinion of course but none of them have ever lived for a day in my body. I really think I am ready for this. I have 73 days to wait.
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