OK, so it's Friday night and all I have to do is listen to my husband playing Call of Duty and have a drink while I try not to think about how fat I am. My youngest son turns 21 tomorrow. I should feel something about that but I just don't. I love all my kids so much but I just don't get how I am supposed to accept that they are adults.

I am constantly thinking about how fat I am. I can really see the difference now. I know it is becacuse I am not working out. In my head I am working out by doing more at work and at home but I know I am kidding myself. I have to start going back to the gym on a regular basis. OK so I just hate myself today.... Don't judge me. Just let me hate myself...

Feeling good and getting some weight off

Finally after months of feeling sick I am getting back to feeling better and 7 pounds just feel off. I really think I was really bloated. Anyway< I am feeling so... much better!!!

Stared a Wiki!

I have started a wiki for weight loss surgery maintenance. I hope it is successful. I'm going to use it to try to explore and figure out some things I can do to make my life better. I really want this to be successful. I don't want to gain any more weight. I know I can do this!!!!

2 years out!

I am now two years out and what a ride it has been. I've lost 115 pounds and regained 25 lbs... bummer...

Today I went to see Dr. F again. It has been a little over a year since I started going to see him and in that time, I have gained 25 lbs. 20 of that since January of this year. That is around 5 lbs a month since January. Some of the things we talked about today were pretty practical.

Buy some smaller plates so that I can fill the plate as full as I want and still not over do it.
Keep up with my food journal.
Make a plan to bring the exercise back into my life.
Keep up with the relaxation and meditations.
Keep myself busy and STOP when I start to beat myself up.

More importantly, we talked about the Common Cognitive Disorders that are plaguing my life. I am going to dedicate this website and blog to the negative thinking that I do and see if I can find some answers for myself about how and why I do this to myself. It is a scary thought that I can allow this to control my life and my actions. I don’t want to live like this forever, so here goes with my honest attempt to make some serious changes in my thinking.

Do I believe that can happen? Honestly, I don’t know. I know that I am a good and decent person. I know I am smart and resourceful. Can I take that knowledge and learn to respect and love myself? How can I begin to let go of always having to be perfect? How can I begin to accept my flaws without that overwhelming since of dread lurking in the background. I can feel it now even as I write. It begins as a sort of dark cloud in the back of my mind and a tightness around my eyes as I start to feel the pressure of saying things I shouldn't say. I feel a dark dread and I begin to feel like this is a total waste of time and that I am being ridiculous for believing that this will be any different from any of the other times I have tried and failed to bring about real change.

Now just look at that. I have made real changes in my life. I was an insecure housewife and I have grown into a successful educator. I am respected and influential in my work. This is the kind of thing that wears me out. Why do I allow the darkness to take over? That is my challenge. It is no wonder that I love the sun soooo... much.